A Sucker

It is not about losing him that scares me. It is the picture of me being lonely and not having him around to calm me, that is terrifying.

I am a sucker for attention, for love. And sometimes I love being depressed, somehow I get inspirations from the state of depression. I know I write better when I am depressed.

Hey, I'm not looking for happiness. Heck, I think happiness is overrated.

I just want to feel content.

Call Of Duty

It's not that I ignore my responsibilities. I just don't like to be pressured.

Remind me a time, and I shall be doing good.

Thanks for worrying anyway.

I always surprise you in a way or another, don't I?

Lucky Number Eleven

I no longer a bitchy bitter young lady with razor-sharp tongue. I used to scare people with my unfriendly attitude. It is more appropriate if I say I am awkward towards strangers. I don't sit well with people I know very little of.

The past one year has been me transforming myself into a much more emotional-form me. Sadly, this has to do with guys. Unfortunately, I have to admit I have weak knees when it comes to dealing with hearty matters. I melt like candles on fire. I forego my ritual time with friends, I can't even remember the last time all of us had bowling or karaoke session together. I literally have abandoned them, albeit not completely, but still I didn't spare even a tenth of my time on them. They have been complaining a lot, so yes, guilty as charged.

I'm not doing so good with family as well. Other than my sister, I think I hardly talk to anyone in the family. No surprise though, I have sworn to keep things to myself. Family can be suffocating at times. I am whining, fuck me I know. It would be easier to say, I have unhealthy social life.

Funny however, despite all these, I am enjoying life. I ain't exactly enjoying as in laughing and rejoicing, it just that I don't plan to do any immediate change anytime soon.

Well, FG#2 has left, may be for good. He isn't a tough nut. I miss him of course, but somehow I think I don't deserve him. If later in life we met, fate has got to do with it. As for now, let him disappear. Things are more complex with FG#1, but but, I maintain to still stick with him. If you ask how on earth could I still be with him after all these turbulent times, for the love God, I myself haven't a clue. I must say I love his presence and when he is not around, loneliness creeps in because he is a constant presence.

Anyway, 2011 is a working and traveling year. This coming March should be absofuckinglutely exciting that I cannot wait. Hopefully business will be booming in a month or two as my piggy bank is thinning.

As A Matter Of Fact

I take pride that if something bad happens (other than death), I have time on my side. At the very least, I don't lose everything since I have the age advantage. To me, I am still young. The hell with people my age who are already thinking how old they have grown.

You are old if you spent half of your life worrying. You are old if you spent half of your time chasing after people. You are old if your eldest kid is 20. And you are definitely old if you called yourself 18 when you were actually 25.

Lucky for me, I think I've only spent a quarter of my life worrying, and a tenth of it chasing after some men. Technically speaking, I don't chase. Men chase after me, I only chase once they have already got me, you know. You are old if you don't understand what I am saying. My words are not complex, any way.

I take charge of my own life. If I don't, I rebel. I was a rebellious young lady few years ago. I fought for my youth curfew, I managed to move out of family home, I took the liberty to mix with different people. However, not all decisions I made were right. In fact, half of them turned out to be disastrous. But I had the courage to commit them, and later admit the wrongful choice. I am a typical "eat your own shit" kind of person. Only now, I no longer am a bigot. I, myself ain't pretty, so I don't go around acting god.

I have some friends saying how envious they feel towards me, thinking my life is perfect. At the same time, they also feel sorry for me, for despite my life looks perfect, it is loaded with issues, the never-ending issues. I complain a lot, so yeah, serve me right.

Like I said, I take pride that if something bad happens, other than death, I still have time on my side.

On The Twelfth Hour

Ever since I've been less critical whilst writing at my old home, some folks have been wondering of the sudden change of my writing style. I mean, I no longer curse over there. They, ladies and gentlemen, know nothing of this new home of mine.

My reason is simple. The lesser people know of this new home, the better it will be for my reputation. Because here, except a good 10 people I personally invited them to read, none of you actually know me in person. Which is good, I can be whoever I want here. I can bitch, and be an angel at the same time. The best thing of all, both favourite guys do not know I am writing here. Simply because I see little reason for them to know pun.

And well, you will also see no picture of me. You guess right, I am deliciously beautiful, use your wild imagination, you get my blessing. Ahhh, it feels safe to be in control.

A little bit of information about me. I don't do 9-5 McJob. At least, not anymore. Right now, I'm resting on my laurels and my back hurts for I've been in bed for the last 20 hours. But you know what, I love this. By November, however, I would be in full swing.

So there you go. 11:57:03, that is my wake-up morning time. Another bit, I hate Hitler but I kind of had a crush on him once.

Fetish

1) I suka lelaki yang berbulu. Lelaki berbulu selalu di-associatekan dengan bad body odour disebabkan peluh melekat pada bulu-bulu mereka maka;

2) Lelaki tersebut mestilah wangi, yakni berkawan baik dengan minyak wangi, deodorant segala jadah. My biggest turn off in men is when they either have bad body odour or they don't produce any odour at all.

3) Mereka yang menaip menggunakan ejaan yang penuh merupakan antara manusia kegemaran I. Serius I akan respect habis. To me, cara kau menulis menunjukkan sejauh mana daya intelek kau. Memang bias, sebab tak semuanya macam tu. Tapi, I berani jamin, 90% orang yang menulis guna macam-macam short form jahanam adalah manusia yang tak berapa berkualiti otak mereka, walaupun belajar tinggi.

4) Buat masa ni, I sangat tertarik dengan sesiapa sahaja yang terlibat dalam bidang architecture, baik bekerja ataupun belajar. Kalau dulu, budak law. Hakikatnya, I selalu stuck up dengan mereka yang terlibat dalam bidang kejuruteraan, terutamanya elektrik. Ah bosan. Minta maaf, budak line accountancy tak pernah termasuk dalam kategori kegemaran I.

5) Tak lupa juga mereka yang fasih berbahasa Inggeris. Tak perlu slang British ke apa, fasih saja sudah cukup. Sebab I suka berbual dalam Bahasa Inggeris, even dengan kawan baik I pun. Bahasa Melayu bukan tak best, cuma kau faham-faham saja lah orang Melayu dengan obsesi Bahasa Melayu dia. Padahal SPM pun dapat 6C. Sebenarnya tak penting pun untuk mention, tapi I nak tulis juga. I dapat A1 untuk paper Bahasa Melayu. Penggunaan bahasa ibunda I lagi bagus daripada kau-kau yang mengutuk aku suka berbahasa penjajah. Yang kau kaki tengok bola Liga Inggeris, berjoget sakan dengar lagu Lady Gaga tu tak macam perangai penjajah?

Melayu dengan Melayu, kadang-kadang suka berperangai bangsat. Kalau Mat Salleh datang KL, bukan main lembut gigi dari lidah. So much holier-than-thou.

6) Disebabkan kata carutan dalam Bahasa Melayu kebanyakkannya berbunyi lebih keras, maka I gemar mencarut dalam bahasa ibunda. Contohnya bangsat. Sekufu Bahasa Inggeris dia ialah sonofabitch. Sama-sama keras.

7) India. I memang nak sangat pergi sana. Semuanya disebabkan I nak cuba naik keretapi di sana, nak cuba teroka kehidupan orang di sana. I rasa India akan beri I banyak pengajaran untuk dipelajari. Life wise.

8) Filem perang. Dalam bahasa apa jua. Cerita terbaik kategori ini masih lagi 'Saving Private Ryan' dan 'The Pianist'. I suka storyline yang melibatkan Nazi dan Yahudi. Kalau orang lain menonton filem untuk menenangkan minda, maka mereka memilih filem bergenre ringan, I pula menenangkan minda dengan menonton filem bergenre berat. Lagi pecah kepala I untuk cuba memahamkan sesebuah filem, lebih tenang minda I. Twists dalam storyline adalah orgasm untuk I.

Begitu juga dengan filem bergenre sarcastic dan politik. Dahulu kala I bercita-cita untuk menjadi peguam, jadi tak hairan lah kot I minat menonton filem-filem begini. Antara all time favourite adalah 'Munich' dan 'Inglourious Basterds'. Tak ramai yang boleh faham dengan filem genre sarcastic, yang mana ia menjadi satu kelebihan buat I, kerana I boleh faham.

9) Gadgets. I merupakan seorang hantu gadget yang mild, di mana I suka bertukar ganti barang berteknologi setelah I bosan dengan barang sedia ada. Buat masa ini, I sudah ada Mac Pro dalam koleksi. Xperia juga. Canon EOS juga. I bercadang untuk menambah sebuah lagi telefon bimbit, kemungkinan besar akan membeli sebuah Blackberry.

Faktor trend mungkin menjadi titik tolak kepada kegilaan I bergadget. Dan I mempunyai sebuah gitar akustik, walaupun masih belum tahu memainkan gitar tersebut. Niatnya mahu belajar, buku not muzik sudah ada.

10) Tempe, durian dan sandwich. Setiap tengah hari ketika lunch break pejabat, sekiranya I makan nasi berlauk, I akan memilih tempe sebagai lauk utama dipadankan dengan sayur. Tempe kentang dan sayur. Memang menu wajib, in fact, itu saja menu I kalau bernasi campur.

I juga hantu durian. I pernah makan durian untuk sarapan, makan tengah hari, makan petang dan malam. Tanpa menjamah sebutir nasi dan apa jua makanan lain sekali pun. Malah, I tiada masalah langsung kalau disuruh tidur bersebelahan dengan durian. Bau durian adalah harum bagi I. Selain itu, I mahir mengopek buah durian. Lelaki kegemaran I juga hantu durian. Tapi I tak gemar akan minat dia terhadap durian. Setiap kali dia berdurian, I akan mengenakan satu undang-undang mandatori. Never kiss me when you smell of durian. I memang sangat tidak aci.

Sandwich adalah makanan kegemaran I. Tak kisah lah apa jenis rupa sandwich pun, termasuklah shawerma. Kalau disuruh memilih antara nasi dan sandwich, I tak teragak-agak untuk memilih sanwich. Sampai ke tahap I merasakan sandwich yang dihidangkan oleh AirAsia adalah sangat sedap. Walaupun sandwich dia bodoh simple saja. Mungkin sebab I bodoh kot. Heh.

11) Apa-apa yang namanya bermula daripada huruf J. Semua nama barang-barang I berpangkalkan huruf J. Kamera I bernama Joni, gitar dipanggil Jeezus, sarung kotak tisu berupa harimau dipanggil John Tiger, Xperia dinamakan Johan. Macbook bernama Jeremi.

Remorse (A Dedication To Perempuan Kacak)

Countless times I have said before, that I am not a family person. In the sense that I love spending quality time with them, doing things and relaxing together; no I just don't do these. To me, family means headache. Of course, I'm talking about my family.

When other people keep obsessing themselves by how much they miss family, I certainly don't. It makes me sound rather snobbish, aren't I? But hell, that's the truth. And I'm not alone. My sister also shares the same sentiment, to the extent she would stay at my place for a night before going home to the family.

I do love my family, except my brother. Wow, I am bluntly making a confession. That's it. I guess, my brother is the root problem of me not fancying time with family. Oh well, me and my brother, we have been having difficult relationship since forever. Me and him, we never gel, never click. Only one thing that can keep us in one head. Playstation and PC games.

And the fact that our parents keep siding my brother also irks me a lot. And my sister has shown her resentment as well. I don't mind if he was a good brother, a good son, by helping the family and being there when he was needed the most. But no. He is not the kind of son every mother would be grateful to have, but of course, my family will conceal the fact by some acting here and there whenever we go for some big family gathering. And everybody would assume this brother of mine was such a good bloke. This stupid acting does irk me too.

Sometimes, I find my family weird in our own way. In a Bree Van der Kamp kind of way, if you know what I mean. My house is very very clean, you can spot no dust at all, yet my mother shakes her head everytime she enters the house, as if a volcano just explodes in there. And she adores perfection, everything must be perfect, including her children. Whatever issues we have internally, when we go out, we have to ditch those issues, stage a play of how perfect we are as a family. Whilst my father is a cooking junkie, but he is the most normal member in the family. At least he feeds us good, fattening food.

As for my sister, she smartly keeps her rebellious side under careful wrap. In a way, the heat is always on me, because unlike her, I show my resentment, dissatisfaction clearly. This doesn't go down well with my mother. As you can read from my earliest entries, she has been dead worried of me, been stalking me and trying to get a grip on me as tightly as possible. And I, I try to escape from family time as much as possible.

The truth is, I try to get loose from her grip, because sometimes, she can be suffocating and demanding. I, for one, am not her biggest fan when it comes to her giving free sermons, on how this and that should be done yada yada. Because when I logicalise (I invent this word, don't wiki it) her stand, I just cannot relate it to the way she treats her children. Make no mistake, she is a very good mother, like Bree, but there's a big but. She gives in to her son too much, she lets my brother to get things his own way. And of course, the other children do not agree. So they suppress the feelings, as to not severe the situation.

You see, I am not proud with whatever I am currently doing with myself, because I know in the end, I will end up losing myself. But seeing how stupendous things with family have been going, the least I could do is, entertain myself with whatever distraction I can get my hands on. Or else, I lock myself at home, talk to no one, do nothing, sleep in for long hours. And wait for favourite people to ring me up, persuading me to go out.

Internal problems like these, the solution is simple. We should hold family talk, pour the words out, apologise, get everybody pleased at the end of the day. But my family is the exception.

Family talk doesn't work. Because among us, we hardly ever talk. Same goes to feeling sorry. We never apologise, in an honest kind of way. Forceful apology is the only 'correct thing' we do to keep the harmony intact.

I am good at making fake gestures. And I learn these from family.

Suasana Perayaan (Semangat Tak Ada Sebenarnya)

First of Syawal. Hari Raya.

And what does it mean by hari raya?

It means let's get fat. Super super fat.

I'm definitely grabbing my running shoes next Tuesday. Or else I'd be widowed. Twice at the same time, if you know what I mean.

Bagi Kebanyakan, Nikah Adalah Untuk Menghalalkan Senggama Sahaja

Apa hal kalau kalau I menyuarakan niat untuk mula menyimpan duit, ramai mula berspekulasi I mahu berkahwin?


Adakah aktiviti menabung secara serius hanya terhad kepada pelan perkahwinan sahaja?


Dan apa hal pula kalau I yang mahu berkahwin, I pula yang kena sibuk menyimpan duit? Isn't it supposed to be my favourite man's headache? Plus, I've mentioned countless times before, marriage is not my thing yet. So my wedding cards are not flying to your post box anytime in the near future.


Well, the reason I am saving up? I nak suap diri sendiri dengan nafsu dunia lah. Selain nafsu senggama.

A Good Move

Upon checking my exam results for last term, the first number I dialed was my mother's. But she was all too occupied at work, she didn't pick up.

So I moved on dialing the next number. It was my father's. Little did I know it was the right move. Another way of trying to re-bond with the old man. And what a way it was, presenting him the good news.

At the end of the phone conversation, he congratulated me again and promised to reach mother to break the good news.

Oh what a jolly month this has been. The only thing that matters to me right now is to impress the old man. So far, I'm right on track.

Bidding MacJob A Goodbye

Suffice to say, I quit my job exactly at the right time, the right moment.

To me, when your daily job has become way too mundane, it is time for a change. Of environment, of experience.

Office job is easy, but boring. I hold high respect to those who stay in the office for more than 2 years. These people are hardcore souls. I can never emulate them. Staying for 8 months, I know the period is short, but I've long realized this is not what I want.

I have dreams to pursue, people to carry in my bagsack, goals to achieve. I don't see how I can fulfill all these by staying there. So, making a life-changing plan, I dare changing my lane.

Oh don't worry, I will not drop out of school though. I want that ACCA certificate. It's going to cost me few more years, well I just don't care. Nowadays, what you possess is the most important. What people say isn't.

I guess I just love being adventurous. Perhaps I do.

Bagus

Sebenarnya takut nak bersuara pada ayah tentang projek mega.

Berpeluh.

Tapi I buat tenang saja.

Alhamdulillah, kita tengok macam mana.

Fret Yes

Few of my cousins are getting married soon. At least 3 of them, and another one has just recently got engaged. Instead of the soon-to-be brides and grooms, I am the one having the biggest headache right now.

Well you know the drill, when your extended family started asking about your turn to settle down. If you were me, and you replied 'I have not given much thought about it yet', be very prepared. They would start frying you.

Sometimes I wonder why are we making marriage a big fuss so much. Pretty depressing, you know. To every young dude and boob.

Personally, I really haven't given much thought about settling down. Simply because the idea of it looks very very scary.

This is me being honest.

Hold On Dearly

I read this somewhere. Quite a long time ago.


'Truly liberal people don't breed.'




Somehow, I kinda understand this line now. On grounds that when they breed, they will either raise a human or a monster. In both cases, they have to forego their life testament, partly or wholly. And in case you don't know, truly liberal people hold highly to their own testament.

Suai Kenal

This is not exactly a secret.

Wunderbar sebenarnya seorang yang sangat moody, selalu saja tak puas hati, tak senang duduk dan pemarah.

Jadi kadang-kadang akan muncul tulisan yang agak lantang. Namun dia sangat suka menulis.

Dan Wunderbar juga seorang self-confessed narcissist. Bak kata orang, macam bagus-bagus saja.

Well, good day people.

Long Gone

Two of my favourite people had been spending some 'quality' time with Mr Ex Boyfriend, that one of them started texting me;

'I am now hanging with your ex and his wife.'

'Kirim salam sama dia' (send him my regards), I replied.

I was in the middle of my 12 hours sleep whilst receiving the great news. Immediately, I burst into laughter. Laughing in sleep. My weekend wasn't as dull as I had first expected.

The thing about Mr Ex Boyfriend is, up until now, all favourite people of mine cannot understand what I saw in him.

Frankly, I too haven't a clue.

But after 3 years of separation, I must say, I still have some funny taste in dating people.

Home Run

On my good days, I can write like a lover serenading a love song to the other half, whole-heartedly.

On my bad days, I can write like a machine gun mouthing its bullets at full speed.

On my normal days, I just can't write anything. Not even a simple single sentence.

I'm starting to love this new writing home more and more. I know I have far far fewer readers here, but at least now, I can write in peace. I just feel sorry for those who genuinely have been reading my stuffs in silence at my previous home base, and they know nothing of my switching of home. Now they no longer can read my piece of thoughts.

If only I could tell them. But too much is at stake. I can't possibly risk telling them. So for now, a handful of readers per day is more than enough I suppose. After all, I don't write for you people to read, I write for me to keep. Someday, when I get older, I will have something to look back to, to see how wiser have I gone over the years.

My name is Wunderbar. Well, I don't speak Deutsche. Obviously no?

Prodigal Child

I bilang sama adik, delete blog kau, buat email baru, tukar segala bagai. Keluarga sudah pasang spy, jadi kau hati-hati. Hide your identity whenever necessary.


Bila mak buat luahan hati ke hati, menyatakan segala yang dia tak senang dengan perangai kami, I diam saja. Malas mahu bertekak, sebab in the end, dia tetap mahu menang. Maka, I redha saja kalah cakap.


Dan bila saja dia kata dia baca tulisan I, zaappp! Rasa terhentak dada. I don't write for her, because I know she cannot take every word of mine. She now knows I curse and so full of myself. Jadi, semasa sesi tazkirah, habis segala sifat mazmumah I dibentangkan. I didn't object, not even a single word came out of my mouth.


I adalah anak harapan. Jadi I faham kenapa dia kecewa. Problem is, mak ada guidelines dia sendiri. Of how her children should be like this and that. Everything must turn out as scripted.


Another problem is, I don't like her script.

I Am A Whistler, And I Juggle Sometimes

This is my escapade. I am running away, from my old blog. Because I cannot remain my anonymity there.

So this is the new blog. I'm shutting down the old one, without telling many souls. I know some of them have been steady readers of my writings, but too bad I cannot afford to risk myself by telling them this new home of mine.

Hello, I am a whistler. I am not you. At times, I can be depressing, please bear with me. I also curse, and my mom doesn't find that charming.

You know, my mom has been stalking me. She's the reason I'm writing here. So, again. Hello to you!