Time Keeper

Have you been bullied? If you were or are a bully, this question is just irrelevant. But you should know the damage to the victim is eternal.

Anyway, let's ask that question to me instead. Basically, that's the whole point of me starting writing again after all these while. I have been bullied, many times for sure.

But the one I clearly remember is when I was 8. There was one bully, mind you, a girl. Before I go further, you should know girls bitch around since they were born. So this girl, she was my classmate, in fact, I sat next to her in class.

Her method was simple. She would demand me to buy her a plate of noodles/fried rice along with a glass of sugar-flavoured drink everyday. The first time she demanded, I gave in. The second time, I still gave in. When it came to the third time, she didn't need to ask, I knew what I had to do. So I bought her meals everyday for the whole year, never once I stood on my feet to object her. Such a pussy I was back then.

Luckily, the bully stopped after that school year ended. Soon I got my normal life back. Few years later, she moved to another school and never to be heard again. Funny thing is, I never held any grudges, or maybe I thought it was normal to be bullied that way. I never thought she was wrong to make me do things for her.

Just recently, she added me on Facebook and I accepted her friend request. As glad as I was to see her again, I never went any further as to start any conversation or to catch up with her or anything. She's in my friend list and that's it. She probably has forgotten the ancient 16-year old history and I'm no mood to help her jog down her memory lane.

Personally, I think having been bullied is a good advantage. I mean, if I hadn't had that experience, I wouldn't know how does it like to be bullied. But trust me, as thankful as I am to have that experience, I don't like the fact that bully is around.

We know bullies are everywhere. Even I am not totally escaped from this bully world. And it's bullshit. Some people make a living from bullying and others make their living by being victims. You can stand up on your own, but the stakes are sometimes too high.

You are afraid you will lose this and that. Like me, I was scared I would lose love. That is the damnest thing.

The good news is, once you stand up, you can never step back. I lost the love. But you know, that is life. Like how I survived bullying, the only thing I can do right now is to just move forward.

I sure do miss writing.

There was a time when you were my everything. I'd jump into the ocean to save you from drowning. In fact my dear, I already had.

But there was a time also when I was your nothing. And I still am nothing to you.

Well my dear, I swear with every breath I take, that you'll never find happiness nor wealth nor a peace of mind, not until you swear with every breath you take, to be deeply sorry for all the sorrow you put me into.

By now, you should already realize how bitter I feel towards you. And I forever regret knowing you.

Here is my sincerest outburst.

Guilty Pleasure

The thing about pain is; it has no boundary. It is there to stay.

I feel betrayed. That sums everything up. And I'm not gonna walk on the same path anymore.

So thank you. And fuck you.

Selamat Jalan

Yes, the time has finally come. After months of trying to buy more time, I know I had loved him way too much, I surrendered. I had to leave him.

Everybody was surprised to see how calm I've been so far. I no longer break down talking about him. But I must be honest. I cry myself to sleep every night. I strain myself from calling him up, from going to his usual places.

You can say 'I told you so' right in my face, not that it would matter to me anymore. You have no idea, even he has no idea, how I have actually loved this relationship, probably more than I have ever loved him. And because we live nearby, it is such a pain to drive on the roads that we used to drive on together. Fuck, everywhere is a memory.

And he mustn't know this. Despite everything, I still love him.

The Girl Who Can't Be Flattered

FG - I'm calling up Suzy now. She is John's friend, she'll help us with hotel arrangement there okay.

W - You can call anyone you want.

FG - It has become your business now.

W - Just take care of yourself there.

FG - You please don't do anything crazy here. I will call you. I love you.

Makan Tengah Hari

A luncheon with 3 good girlfriends will be filled with wedding conversations.

Hey, who am I kidding right?

Peluru-Peluru Di Langit

Long have I given up talking to my mother about issues that can be deemed sensitive to both of us. For the last 23 years, I have grown to know exactly things that would please her. So sue me for trying hard only to please her.

But here lies a problem. Not exactly things I do are pleasing enough for her. Truths are hurtful, at least to her.

So you know, I just keep quiet and quit talking. No matter how much she tries to make me talking, I just shrug off. Spare her the disappointment of learning my reasons.

It must be very difficult to know your daughter is not perfect. So well, she will start comparing her children with her friends', or her long-gone youth life.

We cannot live according to your specifications, mother. That is the bloodiest truth.

Good Friendship

I know they are trying not to disappoint me when they have stopped calling asking for wedding-related advice.

For that, I am so glad.

Uno

For something I call love, I don't know if this is genuine or not. When you have trust issues with this and that, countless of justifications need to clarify, the love should have gone, at least faded.

However in my case, the feeling grows stronger. I've never missed someone this whole much, I've never loved someone this crazy lot. Yes, I had good moments from previous relationship, but those are already slipping away from my mind.

For something I call love, and I know is wrong, I should've made my move and got out. But I stayed, until now. When we are together, you can see just how content I am, so long as I am with him, doing nothing. But when we are apart, even for a day, I am wrecked. I could break down for no reason, all because of missing his presence.

The truth is, despite all my preachings of wanting out, I am just not ready. I cannot imagine having myself so discontent, no one to talk about my days with. I don't call this romantic. It just, you know, I don't have the heart to walk out yet.

With him still being all needy and sweet, I must say, this will take longer than expected.

Berlin is cold, how I wish he could be here.

Too Simple, Too Good To Be True

W - Sometimes, I am just afraid.

FG - What are you afraid of, my love?

W - I don't know. And I don't think you are ready to hear.

FG - So let's just don't kill the moment. I love you.

W - Everytime you call or text me, I will be smiling the whole day.

FG - Remember the first time I saw you in baju kurung? You were all sweet.

W - You told me hundred times already.

FG - I will go until thousand times.

If it was that simple. If it could last forever.

A Sucker

It is not about losing him that scares me. It is the picture of me being lonely and not having him around to calm me, that is terrifying.

I am a sucker for attention, for love. And sometimes I love being depressed, somehow I get inspirations from the state of depression. I know I write better when I am depressed.

Hey, I'm not looking for happiness. Heck, I think happiness is overrated.

I just want to feel content.

Ponder

"For something you said we loved the most, for something you called your soul, giving up that easy just won't show how important that thing is to you."

-Lidah-

Estranged

W - If things do not speed up, you might have to stay there for more than a month right?

FG - Yes.

W - Could be two months, or more than that, right?

FG - Yes.

W - So how?

FG - I don't know.

W - No plan doesn't sound like a good idea.

FG - What can I do?

W - We are fucked. That's what we are.

Percaturan

Let's see.

If you are doing everything right for your friends, and somehow they don't return the favor, there must be something wrong with the friendship.

The same concept applies on relationships.

Friends in need are friends indeed.

I beg to differ.

I know for certain that my investment so far has been disappointing to say the least.

Social Card

Some people have been constantly reading my blog and Facebook. No big deal. It is a big deal when later on, they claimed to have known me, the real me by believing my virtual personality. FG#2 is one of them, no matter how many million of times have I told him not to be possessed by my writing.

Sadly, he even accused me for having 2 personalities, which I agreed completely. My personality in real life and virtual one is different. After all, that's the very reason people blog and use the social network. To unleash their alter ego. Well, at least I know some people who have the same reason.

You blog, and paste your amazing pictures everywhere for the purpose of bragging. That your life is amazing, when the very fact it is pathetic. But hello, so long as people think you are doing great, you are happy. Or sometimes, it is the other way round. Your life is completely amazing, but you blog and write sappy pathetic stories of your life, so you can fish for sympathy.

If you have the tendency to be honest with everything and everyone on the net, I feel sorry for you. Sooner or later, someone will take you for granted. And then you go emotional, deactivate your account, change your url and whatnot. Because you take this tiny little virtual life too seriously.

On Facebook, I portray myself as a bubbly, joke loving, always laughing and fooling around kind of person. But ask everyone who have met me personally. I only possess these criteria when I am with people I know closely, otherwise I am a cold-hearted, bold, and no-nonsense person. Fuck those who think I am a forger, get a better life you maggot.

Mark Zuckerberg accepted your friendship request. After 6 months of befriending him virtually, do you really think he knows anything about you? Or do you think you know everything about him, besides the fact that he is filthy rich? Who are we kidding here, boy?

Loose a little bit, and take up reading instead. You don't know how to play the online social card.

Call Of Duty

It's not that I ignore my responsibilities. I just don't like to be pressured.

Remind me a time, and I shall be doing good.

Thanks for worrying anyway.

I always surprise you in a way or another, don't I?

Celebrity

I have always had a crush on Damien Lewis.

Now, I am watching Band of Brothers just to see this gentleman in army suit.

Lucky Number Eleven

I no longer a bitchy bitter young lady with razor-sharp tongue. I used to scare people with my unfriendly attitude. It is more appropriate if I say I am awkward towards strangers. I don't sit well with people I know very little of.

The past one year has been me transforming myself into a much more emotional-form me. Sadly, this has to do with guys. Unfortunately, I have to admit I have weak knees when it comes to dealing with hearty matters. I melt like candles on fire. I forego my ritual time with friends, I can't even remember the last time all of us had bowling or karaoke session together. I literally have abandoned them, albeit not completely, but still I didn't spare even a tenth of my time on them. They have been complaining a lot, so yes, guilty as charged.

I'm not doing so good with family as well. Other than my sister, I think I hardly talk to anyone in the family. No surprise though, I have sworn to keep things to myself. Family can be suffocating at times. I am whining, fuck me I know. It would be easier to say, I have unhealthy social life.

Funny however, despite all these, I am enjoying life. I ain't exactly enjoying as in laughing and rejoicing, it just that I don't plan to do any immediate change anytime soon.

Well, FG#2 has left, may be for good. He isn't a tough nut. I miss him of course, but somehow I think I don't deserve him. If later in life we met, fate has got to do with it. As for now, let him disappear. Things are more complex with FG#1, but but, I maintain to still stick with him. If you ask how on earth could I still be with him after all these turbulent times, for the love God, I myself haven't a clue. I must say I love his presence and when he is not around, loneliness creeps in because he is a constant presence.

Anyway, 2011 is a working and traveling year. This coming March should be absofuckinglutely exciting that I cannot wait. Hopefully business will be booming in a month or two as my piggy bank is thinning.