Recollection

I don't know if this is something I should regret or feel sorry about or not.

All my life, I have never really had any solid relationship with any man. Solid, as in stabile, not patchy and rocky. All my previous relationships, and the current one, they move in lighting speed. Too fast, and too furious. We were either too in love, or too bitter to each other.

There was never any tranquil moment. Actually there was, but it was too short that I couldn't recall if there was any.

My current relationship, I have invested a lot. From dollars to emotions. Yet, the odds of us lasting long look unconvincing.

I am sighing. Anyway, Hopeless is my middle name.

It Ain't Misery, It Ain't Easy.

Perfect timing.

FG#1 has trust issue with me, a big one. To the extent he would check out my phones. All due to a little misunderstanding. So when the issue was brought up, and since I myself had trust issue with him too, that little misunderstanding became big. So big that we were shouting in his car. So big that we yelled at each other. So big that we started digging the old dirts. So big that he could not see me into my eyes.

Yes, we have trust issue, and we both are being very defensive. And the fact that we have survived the last 8 months together really amaze me.

FG#2 has left me a puzzling riddle. All my friends have been urging me to put a stop on this. Simply say, if things are too good to be true, they are indeed too good to be true.

Funny thing is, everybody is encouraging me to start another round of fishing.

Yeah, as I said, perfect timing.

Stupid As Stupid Does

Here is something people tend to forget. When you point your index finger at others, the other 3 fingers are pointing at you.

The concept is simple. What they do, the business is between them and their God. Unless they directly do damage to you. So other than that, you shut your fucking mouth. I know most of us love being nosy, so for fuck sake, be one. Be whatever nosy you want.

Just don't ever say you are better and holier than the one you are bitching about, by not passing any judgmental thought. Trust me, you can still be bitchy, and not losing your class.

What irks me the most is, you trash people, you act God, you punish, you pass remarks, and all the same while, you think you are better than them. Unfortunately, everybody in this universe do not think so.

Whatever wrong people do, you give reasons to spread the guilt. But whatever wrong you do, you give reasons to justify the purpose. And yet, you think you are the best khalif.

I must say, you are pretty ambitious.

The Groundbreaker (A Dedication To Perempuan Kacak, Again)

Ever since I reached puberty, I have always had issues with family. Be it with my mother, my brother, and occasionally my sister. Both petty and big issues. Like I said previously, I was a rebellious young lady.

If I didn't get things my way, I could go sulking and not talking for days. I am so good at doing silent treatment. That is actually my mojo.

No, I'm not exactly proud of my rebellious years. I have a difficult family, as a matter of fact. I know my brother is not happy (but he just couldn't care less with anything, so he's a gone case), my sister is unhappy too. I am unhappy, but lucky me, I can escape from the suffocation. The perk of staying away from family. I try to minimize my time with family as much as possible, that you can say, I am no family person.

It sounds selfish, but try having a mother like mine. She never lets you be someone of your own age, she treats you like a 40-year old. My sister always confides in me, whenever she gets home.

In a good way, my mother is a fine lady. She is actually a good mother, albeit she worries a lot. A lot that it gives me headache. And she is getting more spiritual. So the children, all in their 20s, young and vibrant, eager to explore life, they all feel restricted.

So how do they find solution? They do things as they please, they don't tell the mother about anything, simply because they know, mother will always give a different idea.

Now that nobody isn't sharing her any story, she feels tensed. She tries digging, but to no avail. Everybody has learned their lesson. To get your own freedom, is to start breaking all her stand. I already did. I am not exactly proud or happy, but I did what I had to do.

To gain her trust is to start breaking the trust.

As A Matter Of Fact

I take pride that if something bad happens (other than death), I have time on my side. At the very least, I don't lose everything since I have the age advantage. To me, I am still young. The hell with people my age who are already thinking how old they have grown.

You are old if you spent half of your life worrying. You are old if you spent half of your time chasing after people. You are old if your eldest kid is 20. And you are definitely old if you called yourself 18 when you were actually 25.

Lucky for me, I think I've only spent a quarter of my life worrying, and a tenth of it chasing after some men. Technically speaking, I don't chase. Men chase after me, I only chase once they have already got me, you know. You are old if you don't understand what I am saying. My words are not complex, any way.

I take charge of my own life. If I don't, I rebel. I was a rebellious young lady few years ago. I fought for my youth curfew, I managed to move out of family home, I took the liberty to mix with different people. However, not all decisions I made were right. In fact, half of them turned out to be disastrous. But I had the courage to commit them, and later admit the wrongful choice. I am a typical "eat your own shit" kind of person. Only now, I no longer am a bigot. I, myself ain't pretty, so I don't go around acting god.

I have some friends saying how envious they feel towards me, thinking my life is perfect. At the same time, they also feel sorry for me, for despite my life looks perfect, it is loaded with issues, the never-ending issues. I complain a lot, so yeah, serve me right.

Like I said, I take pride that if something bad happens, other than death, I still have time on my side.

Kenyataan

Honey, love alone doesn't make you a building.

Money too, doesn't grow on trees.

If you want a life based on love, and love alone, nothing but love, I gotta say; have fun making love. And babies.

So yeah, fool yourself. Damn the society.

Ninth Crime

No, I did not say you shouldn't get married, nor have I lost faith in marriage. What I was trying to point out is simply, do not marry for the sake of marrying, or because of the age pressure, or because of family.

For marriage is not a celebration of love. It is a celebration of life, and love happens to be part of it. So does shit, so does crises.

Call me a pessimist or whatever. Hell, I know I am actually a realist. Someday, somehow good things are gonna come to an end. Things eventually will get sour. If you are a hardcore and can survive turbulent times, please consider marriage as your thing. Problem is, everybody thinks he is a hardcore, a survivor. This is really a personality test you have to take, yourself.

Do you think I want to settle down with my current boyfriend? Naa uhh. To me, we are great as a couple. But as a family, I don't think so. I might end up eating my heart out.

So you'd ask, why am I wasting my time and life with someone I don't intend to share my life with? Now let me raise another question. Why do we always think 'sharing our life with someone' must carry the word marriage? Unless yeah, you are duped into believing those fairy tale wedding stories.

Well okay, I am fine with me wasting my time. If knowing what I want is a crime, I am so glad to be committing this crime. Eventually, there will come a time when I want to settle down. It's just a perfect human cycle. But hello, only when I have found the right person who can take me at my worst. Until that time comes, I am still fishing.

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get" - Forrest Gump.

Jane Of All Trade

It feels good to finally coming clean.

You know, every living human has his own dirty laundry. Some keep the dirt to grave, some deal with that by confiding in someone, some just don't give a crap about it.

I am not that lucky, but I sure do have amazing friends, different set of friends, whom I can talk to, when I really have to take something off my chest.

I am good at talking and making reasoning, to me, everything has its own reason. So, sue me for enjoying a life. If I were given a chance to turn back the clock, hell yeah I would take up the chance, and do things differently. But it doesn't mean I regret my life choices so far. It just that, well, I am wondering what if I had done this and that differently. It is pretty much a "what if" dilemma.

The past one year, I've been ditching friends and reconnecting with some. I'm kinda twisted in a way of saying. So yeah, that pretty much sums up my whole situation.

Perhaps I am still one confused young lady. Or perhaps, I enjoy life too much, so much that other than career, I play with fire all the time.

And a good wise friend told me two days go; "Don't you, just don't get married until you turn 30."

I can't say I agree with her idea, but you know, I can see the logic behind this. As beautiful as most people picture it, marriage is not that pretty. Besides the money issue, come on, it is more than money issue. And fuck those who only get married to legalise sex. It is not just about fucking. And after all, most people do not hold onto celibacy anymore. Unless yeah, you are too naive to realise this.

Now, force your grandparents to stop asking unmarried people to settle down. Because they are wiser than those who marry early, and regret the decision 5 years later, with 5 kids in tow, and divorce papers to be signed. The fact that they have 5 kids in 5 years is a proof to how fucking irresponsible they are. So much of practising legalised sex, my ass.

Well, at least I have 2 friends regretting their decision to marry young. In my textbook, that figure doesn't look good, when I have only around 6 friends who got married before they reached 23. It is 33% failure rate I am seeing.

When you have commitment issue, don't ever find a life partner. Society will press you, I assure you that. But fuck them. I know this one guy, on his way of parting ways with his wife, he only promised her 200 ringgit monthly for child support. Screw him. Committed, my ass.

Ladies, no matter how in love you are with your husband, no matter how comfortable and connected you feel towards him, be very prepared. One day, that day will come. When either one of you, suddenly woke up at the wrong side of bed, and feeling rather confused and discontent. That is when life crisis hits you. So for you ladies, if your man suddenly changes, you are always at the loosing end.

I mean, hello. Even though now is two thousand and ten already, women are still at the loose end. Deal with it. It is not a barbaric issue. Society always give men the upper hand. Women have to realise this. The first step towards protecting yourself is, you start taking care of your own body. Seriously speaking.

Who ever says "don't judge a book by its cover" are only attention-seeking hypocrite. Take care of your beauty, and body. Do exercise, eat well, whatever. Just make sure you are still at your prime, even though you are no longer in the game of manhunt. Because you never know what the future might surprise you.

I'm writing this, because admit it, we always feel insecure. 70% of my time is spent thinking what if what I'd planned didn't turn out to be what I had expected.

Believe it or not, the only thing that ruins all good things is expectation.

Come, Just Pull My Leg. You Wouldn't Hurt Me, Would You?

1) Those preachers of "Being single is being simple" are sure lying to themselves.

They, either never have any love relationship experience, or, are too heartbroken from their recent failed relationships.

2) Those who cry their heart out, whine 24/7 on Facebook are fucking brainless.

Nobody cares if you lose your virginity, what's more you crying over a fight with your partner. Bollocks!

3) "Even motherfuckers love their mothers" - Obefiend

This has got to be the best quote so far this year. Period! Oh another one;

"Trick or tits?" - Exotica

Hilarious, ain't it?

4) I think my personal life is going haywire. I mean, seriously, what does it mean when I silently start to enjoy smoking? Last month alone, I had the 3rd stick of my life. What's the big deal, you would argue.

Hell man, I know I'm in a deep shit when smoking suddenly comes into picture. Lucky now I am an adult. Problem is, as much relaxed I am with smoking, I have to say, I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. Plus, my skin will not allow myself to pursue this interest. I have history of skin condition, I am allergic to smoke. End of story. So let's take one final puff. The 4th one it is.

On The Record

It is not a good sign when my mood towards FG#2 is subject to the happiness level of me and FG#1. When it comes to making a choice, I can be a bitch. I wonder how some people can love more than a soul at one time. Because I seriously can't.

Falling so much for FG#1 is not exactly a good idea, but we are so involved, I can't just drop him off my life. What I have for him is, yes, love.

I think what I have for FG#2 is, hope. Possible future hope.

Oh yea, I'm writing this solely because I'm having a cold war with FG#1. Somehow, this affects me greatly. Little did I know, how much I could miss him.