Monday, August 30, 2010

How To Get Married And Be Happy

Be happy. Then get married.

And be stupid.

You kid not, there is no fairytale. Who are we kidding?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Bagi Kebanyakan, Nikah Adalah Untuk Menghalalkan Senggama Sahaja

Apa hal kalau kalau I menyuarakan niat untuk mula menyimpan duit, ramai mula berspekulasi I mahu berkahwin?

Adakah aktiviti menabung secara serius hanya terhad kepada pelan perkahwinan sahaja?

Dan apa hal pula kalau I yang mahu berkahwin, I pula yang kena sibuk menyimpan duit? Isn't it supposed to be my favourite man's headache? Plus, I've mentioned countless times before, marriage is not my thing yet. So my wedding cards are not flying to your post box anytime in the near future.

Well, the reason I am saving up? I nak suap diri sendiri dengan nafsu dunia lah. Selain nafsu senggama.

Friday, August 27, 2010

85% Of You Are Wrong

Having adequate stash or money or I must say in Malay, mempunyai kekayaan secukupnya, is a key to happiness.

The past week on Facebook has been a cat-dog fight regarding a video posted there, showing a boyfriend calling a radio station to tell the world how unfair it was when her fiancee broke off their engagement because he wasn't rich enough for her (to put this bluntly). So what this radio station did after getting the full story from the guy was, the deejay called up the girl and bombarded her with lots of trashy questions and remarks, saying she was selfish, materialistic, bimbo and she was after money only.

As expected, she had to defend herself. So the blaming game started. Needless to say, from the comments I read at the comment section, 85% of people sided the guy.

I, for one, sided the girl. Funny, you know, how Malaysians spent their days snooping other people's lives, throwing judgements as if they were what, God? Malays, especially.

The way I see it, if the girl wanted to break off their engagement, for fuck sake, let her. Why on earth the rest of people should give a goddamn care? Other than the guy, none of the lots actually has any relation with either of them. So bug off! Mind your own business.

Okay, so the girl is materialistic. So what? Is she the only one? Aren't you too? The boyfriend clearly had no balls, calling up the radio station, selling his private stories to the whole nation. What retard does that? The girl was CORRECT to dump her, anyway. Imagine living with a man who would just go to some random people for advice. The man clearly does not know when to shut up.

He even told everyone that the girl left him for some rich guy. This one is laughable, to be honest. He lost to a rich guy! How sad it is, ego badly battered. Such a poor baby. Come on, after what, 20+ years of living, only now he realized, that money does talk? Or was he under the illusion, you know, people keep saying, money cannot buy happiness yada yada crap?

Clearly here, he was a moron. Oh, this bite is funny also. He had the guts to say he was the better guy, he had better hati budi! The fact is, he didn't even know or meet the rich guy. So the way the comparison is made, it only exposes his immaturity.

Now, I'll just rest my case. To the girl, bravo! I don't care if you are materialistic as they parade you are. Because I don't even know you personally. But you did the right thing dumping the boy. Marrying a crybaby is the worst mistake you could ever make.

And to clearly make my first sentence stands, I strongly believe despite money is the root of all evil, money is also the key to survival. Being happy is one of the survival idea, no? So, why do you care about the bad evil thing money can cause when you can instead enjoy the benefit it can give?

Only penniless will blame the penniful.

Oh, and 85% of the commentors are blind. They refuse to look at both sides. So bravo Malays! Yet, you know when to complain about the rising cost of living. Hey, duit kan tak boleh jamin kebahagiaan. Apa lah sangat pasal kenaikan harga barang-barang? Janji dapat bercinta-cintun, kemudian beranak banyak-banyak.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Good Move

Upon checking my exam results for last term, the first number I dialed was my mother's. But she was all too occupied at work, she didn't pick up.

So I moved on dialing the next number. It was my father's. Little did I know it was the right move. Another way of trying to re-bond with the old man. And what a way it was, presenting him the good news.

At the end of the phone conversation, he congratulated me again and promised to reach mother to break the good news.

Oh what a jolly month this has been. The only thing that matters to me right now is to impress the old man. So far, I'm right on track.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Move In, Move Out

To most people, I am not an easy person to live with, to share one bedroom with, one bathroom with, as well as one bed with. I, for one, have long realized this. To live with me actually is quite a challenge.

For this reason alone, it is no wonder I am very very selective when it comes to choosing housemates. For the last 9 months or so, I've had my fair share of experiencing both housemates from heaven and hell. The one(s) from heaven is definitely a bliss to live with.

But the one(s) from hell, well I need no further explanation behind the rapid growth of white hair on my scalp. And I can see that my hair is thinning nowadays. Probably due to excessive stress or imbalance hormones, or a combination of both. Housemate(s) from hell also plays a part.

The thing about living with me is I may not be systematic, in term of doing house chores. At one point, I can be lousy at these. But make no mistake, I do have a system, that so far works wonder for me. I have my own way of doing laundry, folding the clothes, arranging stuffs, as well as settling the bills. These are no-brainer really. I only need to set a deadline for each task. Sometimes when I get too bored at home, I start cleaning up, even during midnight. Yes I am quite nocturnal, you know. My brain and body function better at night.

Let me tell you about housemates from hell. These are the people who contribute nothing to the house, but the monthly rent (which sometimes may be outstanding). They just don't give a shit. Vacuuming the house? Fuck off. Cleaning the bathroom? Fuck it. Folding clothes? Fook I don't bother.

Oh yeah, they are also fucking lazy ass, they never even bother to clean up their own bedroom. You could see clothes scattering around their room, you could smell bad odour coming out of the room. Basically, their room is like a junk. Suddenly, you start asking, is this a bedroom or a shack?

Lucky me, I do have some good housemates, who help with the chores very often. Too bad though, they are moving out. Pretty soon, the housemate from hell also will move out. Oh, what a joy! And I'll be living on my own. Is this suppose to be a double joy? I don't know. But looking at the current state, I might as well start living on my own, just to feel the groove you know. To see whether I can cope and enjoy my own company. I can arrange the house the way I like, I can play music the fuck loud I want, I can invite friends to sleepover anytime I like, oh well I should do a party as well, right?

Now, I'm just counting the days until all these people finally moved out. Shit, I would somehow miss them too. And I'm writing this after breaking fast alone at home. I'm pretty messed up here, right?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Gelojak Jiwa, Bertekak Semata

Di tengah-tengah kesesakan pergaduhan dan pertempuran emosi, maka aku bertanya kepada lelaki kegemaran kedua*,

"What exactly do you want, from me and from us?" Dia tidak menjawab, sebaliknya memulangkan soalan yang lebih pedas.

"How would you feel if I told people you were my second girlfriend when in fact I loved you so fucking much? Sayang, imagine if you were in my shoes for once."

Aku biarkan, tanpa jawapan. Diakhirnya, aku titipkan kata-kata ini,

"I was in the same exact shoes, and too bad until now you haven't noticed it."

Dan kami berbuka puasa. Di bandar berbeza, negeri berlainan. Bertemankan kesakitan.

Sayang, if only you knew it wasn't easy for me too. It never was, it never is.

*urutan nombor lelaki kegemaran adalah berbeza, mengikut kepada tahap ranking semasa yang diberikan penulis. Nombor satu bermakna dia paling menyenangkan, nombor dua bermaksud dia sedikit menyesakkan berbanding seorang lagi.


Perempuan kadang-kadang mahukan lelaki yang 'kelakar'.

In her eyes, nothing is ever enough in the man she admits to love.

Dan lelaki kadang-kadang memberikan ilusi yang 'kelakar'.

Because in his eyes, nothing is ever enough in the woman he admits to love.

Opposite attraction is a profanity.

A man and a woman, no matter how much they admit to love each other, secretly inside, they keep hatred towards one another.

Because nothing is ever enough. Starved souls. Trapped into emotions.

Good thing is, hatred grows the heart fonder.

And sometimes, it is not love that keeps a couple together. It is the idea of constant companionship.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Friday Night

"Baby, you know what date is today?"

"21st, 22nd?"

"No. It's 23rd."


*She grumps*

"3 months ago, you chased me from the bank to that convenient store."

"I know. 3 months, really?"

"Uh huh. And you never knew then there was such drink called wintermelon."


*She glances away, sits farther*


"Now where should we go?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know, 3 months on, I give you countless of headaches. You and me, you pick the place."

*He kisses her lower cheek* "Love you lah."

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Pengaruh Penjajah Lahanat

Masyarakat kita sedikit bias bila lebat berhujah tentang penjajah. Berbahasa Inggeris ketika berbual dilabelnya mengagungkan bahasa penjajah. Berkawan dengan Mat Salleh British dilabelnya cium punggung penjajah.

Kita jadi super racist bila masuk bab kebaratan. Apa-apa yang Barat adalah penjajah, terutamanya dari Great Britain. Okay, Lady Gaga dan BPL tak termasuk dalam isu ni. Macam I cakap, masyarakat kita bias, amalkan double standard. Apa yang kau tak mampu, itu kau kata hedonistik. Apa yang kau buat, itu kau kata menyahut kemodenan dan kebebasan bersuara.

Agak-agak kalau I buat keputusan untuk masuk kelas Bahasa Belanda dan Portugis, isu penjajah akan timbul tak? Ataupun I bertutur lebat dalam kedua-dua bahasa tersebut, akan dilabel mengagungkan penjajah tak?

Definitely tidak. Kenapa?

Sebab masyarakat kita mana boleh beza biji butir bahasa selain daripada bahasa ibunda dan Inggeris. Macam I cakap, kita ni pengamal double standard yang paling jitu.

Kawan I minat sungguh dengan drama Jepun, to the extent cara pemakaian dia dah macam orang Jepun. Bahasa Jepun pun sikit-sikit dia boleh bertutur. Tapi langsung tak dilabel mengagungkan penjajah. Malah dipuji, maklumlah, dasar pandang ke timur lah katakan. Padahal, kalau mahu ikutkan sejarah, regim Jepun waktu zaman penjajahan merupakan yang paling ganas kalau dibandingkan dengan penjajah-penjajah lain. Selamba pancung kepala, bakar bas.

British yang bagi kita kemerdekaan dengan cara damai (okay, credit kepada Tunku Abdul Rahman dan mereka yang terlibat), dan sudah tentu mengikut clauses dan conditions yang mereka mahu. Tapi lama kelamaan kita bebas terus dari payung British. Cuma biasalah, bila kita sudah lama bermandi peluh dengan British, sedikit sebanyak budaya dan gaya mereka kita ambil. Macam Indonesia dengan Belanda lah kan. Macam Filipina dengan Sepanyol lah kan.

Macam I cakap, when it comes to English and British, semuanya mengagungkan penjajah. Eceh.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Bidding MacJob A Goodbye

Suffice to say, I quit my job exactly at the right time, the right moment.

To me, when your daily job has become way too mundane, it is time for a change. Of environment, of experience.

Office job is easy, but boring. I hold high respect to those who stay in the office for more than 2 years. These people are hardcore souls. I can never emulate them. Staying for 8 months, I know the period is short, but I've long realized this is not what I want.

I have dreams to pursue, people to carry in my bagsack, goals to achieve. I don't see how I can fulfill all these by staying there. So, making a life-changing plan, I dare changing my lane.

Oh don't worry, I will not drop out of school though. I want that ACCA certificate. It's going to cost me few more years, well I just don't care. Nowadays, what you possess is the most important. What people say isn't.

I guess I just love being adventurous. Perhaps I do.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Separuh Masak

The next time people ask me when would be my time to marry the love of my life, I'd seriously bang my head against the wall.

Seriously, after the previous heartache exactly a year ago, when have I found the love of my life?

Favourite guy, definitely. Love? It's fifty-fifty. Now that I have favourite guyS, Imma let myself enjoy the time for awhile. Even though I have crystal idea whom I should end up with, I suppose for now, just let loose and play with fire. Everybody is going to get hurt in the end, so why bother so much?

One thing about finding partner that really turns me off is the ever-popular question popped to the ladies; 'How good are you in the kitchen?' Well, obviously Malay guys love to settle down with a kitchen maker just to please his mother, which disgusts me a lot. If you want a kitchen maker, you are landing under the wrong tree.

Wait a second. I may not be a kitchen maker, but I can cook. In fact, I am not that bad in this department. Problem is, I just don't find flawless cooking skill has got anything to do with good marriage.

Unfortunately, one of my favourite guys doesn't share the same sentiment. Too bad, now love you have to wait. I have another babe fixing me barbeque lobster the other day. I loved it very much. That's what I call romantic, of course from non-Malay.

Okay, but I still am marrying the former.

Because you know, he is the reason I'm all gooned-up like this.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Deep down inside, I selalu saja nak post begini di Facebook;

Wunderbar Tak payah tag gambar aku boleh tak? Walaupun memang ada muka aku. Kalau aku nak, aku tag sendiri. Dan kalau nak buat promotion produk kau, sila buat page sendiri. Tak payah tag. Terima kasih.

Cuma tak sampai hati lagi. Jadi, I gagahkan juga jari me-remove tag-tag gambar yang tak diminati. Oh teknologi.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Luas Pemandangan

Satu jenis percutian yang I tak gemar langsung adalah percutian gaya senang lenang. Yakni aktiviti lasak berada di tahap paling minimum, makan seperti berhari-raya, tidur seperti raja.

Kalau percutian bulan madu, tak apa. Kalau setakat bercuti 3, 4 hari di pulau sekian-sekian, kemudian ambil pakej seperti bergoyang kaki di rumah, baik kau duduk di rumah saja. Sebab itu I susah untuk dapat travel companion. Kalau dapat I sebagai trip mate, memang kerahan tenaga akan berlaku.

Percutian yang menarik bagi I adalah percutian lasak, di mana kau rasai semua benda, jalani cara hidup masyarakat di sana, makan cukup-cukup saja dan tidur sebagai buat syarat cuma. Mahu bersenang-lenang, tempah saja hotel di Kuala Lumpur, tidur dan spa 2 hari. Buat apa bercuti mahal-mahal di negara luar kalau setakat mahu menyimpan tenaga. Kan?

Otherwise, pergi berbulan madu. Itu memang wajib bersenang lenang di dalam bilik hotel.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hitam Buntut Kuali

One of the many things I don't understand about Malay culture in finding partners is this. Our obsession with fair-skinned Malays. I mean, your obsession, most malay men's obsession.

Kalau perempuan, walaupun kau cantik, berhidung mancung, bermata bulat galak, berbibir penuh dan merah warnanya, kau tetap tak menarik sekiranya kulit kau tidak cerah. Ini konsep biasa masyarakat Melayu.

Bila I ingat balik waktu zaman sekolah dulu, tentang macam mana budak-budak lelaki went crazy over some girls solely for their fair skin, kemudian bila I tengok semula para perempuan ini setelah mereka melepasi puberti, honest to God, those girls yang bukan hot stuff ketika di sekolah adalah way way hotter sekarang. Jadi tidak hairanlah perempuan dari Kelantan akan mendapat perhatian luar biasa daripada kaum bukan sejenis.

Bekas kawan baik lelaki I adalah penyokong tegar konsep kulit cerah ini. Dia pernah bersuara tentang ciri utama gadis pilihan dia ialah kulit gadis tersebut mesti cerah. Lebih cerah daripada lelaki ini yang sememangnya cerah.

Maka, tidak hairanlah iklan-iklan produk kecantikan di televisyen banyak memaparkan konsep kecerahan kulit. Seakan membawa mesej; kalau tak putih, kau tak cantik langsung. Dan bekas lelaki-lelaki kegemaran I juga merupakan 'skin colour conscious'. Padahal I ni bukan lah cerah pun. Eh tidak, I bukan mahu menjadi anggur yang masam di sini. I cuma mengkritik konsep aneh kita.

Kalau sepuluh tahun lepas konsep ini digunapakai, I boleh terima. Tetapi bila konsep yang sama masih diagungkan, I jadi bingung. Tatkala dunia tergila-gilakan konsep warna 'tan', kita masih gilakan warna putih.

I pernah baca dulu, sumbernya I sudah lupa, tapi lebih kurang begini lah ceritanya. Di Barat bertahun-bertahun dulu, mereka yang berkulit putih pucat selalu digambarkan sebagai mereka yang miskin, manakala yang berkulit 'tan' digambarkan sebagai kaya. Maklumlah, di negara mereka, cuaca terlalu sejuk. Orang miskin tak mungkin mampu untuk melancong ke negara yang beriklim panas. Jadi, orang-orang kaya sajalah yang mampu menabur duit bercuti di pantai Bahamas yang secara langsungnya mendedahkan mereka kepada cahaya matahari yang menyumbang ke arah penukaran tona warna kulit.

Sampai sekarang, tanned skin dilabelkan sebagai cantik bagi mereka. Dan tidak bagi kita. Ayat pertama kalau mahu mencemuh orang pun kita akan kata begini;

"Dah lah kulit HITAM, buruk, ada hati nak rampas boyfriend aku." - ayat tipikal yang biasa didengari.

Cuma, pendapat I tentang kecerahan kulit adalah berbeza. I tak pernah merasakan putih itu cantik. Never. I lebih turned on pada perempuan yang berkulit warna rata, baik cerah atau gelap, kalau sedang-sedang lagi bagus. Definisi cantik bagi I ialah - kulit warna sedang, hidung mancung, mata bulat galak, bulu mata original lentik, tanpa make-up yang berlebihan, bibir merah, leher jinjang, ada pinggul yang bentuknya jelas (hourglass-shaped).

Okay, list I juga melampau. But no, I still cannot understand the obsession with fair skin. Asal putih, bajet cantik.

Nasib baik juga lelaki kegemaran I bukan begitu. Malah, kulit dia lebih cerah daripada I, which is no big issue to him. In fact, no issue at all. In fact, we never discuss skin tone simply because the issue is irrelevant. Jadi bila I dengar kritikan warna kulit dilontarkan pada sekian-sekian orang, I jadi marah. Padahal si pelontar kritikan itu bukan lah cantik pun. Cuma kulitnya sedikit cerah. Hidung mungkin pesek, mata mungkin kecil, kening bercantum, gigi rongak, bau badan busuk. Kemudian ada hati mahu hakimi orang lain.

Dulu I pernah cakap. Melayu sama Melayu mesti saja mahu berperangai bangsat.

We were not born flawless. Senang cakap.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Time Constraint

My favourite man has been asking me to find him a suitable college to further his study.

Frowning, I replied;

'Why the fuck do you still want to study? Even now you can't spend much time with me, imagine when you start studying, with your extra stressed-out look later, do you think I still want to see your tired face?'

And he laughed. But kept insisting me to find him a good college and a good course to study.

Instead, I reached for some chewing-gums on the car dashboard. I chewed one of those. And I cursed in a language only I knew, but he didn't.