Sunday, September 12, 2010

Remorse (A Dedication To Perempuan Kacak)

Countless times I have said before, that I am not a family person. In the sense that I love spending quality time with them, doing things and relaxing together; no I just don't do these. To me, family means headache. Of course, I'm talking about my family.

When other people keep obsessing themselves by how much they miss family, I certainly don't. It makes me sound rather snobbish, aren't I? But hell, that's the truth. And I'm not alone. My sister also shares the same sentiment, to the extent she would stay at my place for a night before going home to the family.

I do love my family, except my brother. Wow, I am bluntly making a confession. That's it. I guess, my brother is the root problem of me not fancying time with family. Oh well, me and my brother, we have been having difficult relationship since forever. Me and him, we never gel, never click. Only one thing that can keep us in one head. Playstation and PC games.

And the fact that our parents keep siding my brother also irks me a lot. And my sister has shown her resentment as well. I don't mind if he was a good brother, a good son, by helping the family and being there when he was needed the most. But no. He is not the kind of son every mother would be grateful to have, but of course, my family will conceal the fact by some acting here and there whenever we go for some big family gathering. And everybody would assume this brother of mine was such a good bloke. This stupid acting does irk me too.

Sometimes, I find my family weird in our own way. In a Bree Van der Kamp kind of way, if you know what I mean. My house is very very clean, you can spot no dust at all, yet my mother shakes her head everytime she enters the house, as if a volcano just explodes in there. And she adores perfection, everything must be perfect, including her children. Whatever issues we have internally, when we go out, we have to ditch those issues, stage a play of how perfect we are as a family. Whilst my father is a cooking junkie, but he is the most normal member in the family. At least he feeds us good, fattening food.

As for my sister, she smartly keeps her rebellious side under careful wrap. In a way, the heat is always on me, because unlike her, I show my resentment, dissatisfaction clearly. This doesn't go down well with my mother. As you can read from my earliest entries, she has been dead worried of me, been stalking me and trying to get a grip on me as tightly as possible. And I, I try to escape from family time as much as possible.

The truth is, I try to get loose from her grip, because sometimes, she can be suffocating and demanding. I, for one, am not her biggest fan when it comes to her giving free sermons, on how this and that should be done yada yada. Because when I logicalise (I invent this word, don't wiki it) her stand, I just cannot relate it to the way she treats her children. Make no mistake, she is a very good mother, like Bree, but there's a big but. She gives in to her son too much, she lets my brother to get things his own way. And of course, the other children do not agree. So they suppress the feelings, as to not severe the situation.

You see, I am not proud with whatever I am currently doing with myself, because I know in the end, I will end up losing myself. But seeing how stupendous things with family have been going, the least I could do is, entertain myself with whatever distraction I can get my hands on. Or else, I lock myself at home, talk to no one, do nothing, sleep in for long hours. And wait for favourite people to ring me up, persuading me to go out.

Internal problems like these, the solution is simple. We should hold family talk, pour the words out, apologise, get everybody pleased at the end of the day. But my family is the exception.

Family talk doesn't work. Because among us, we hardly ever talk. Same goes to feeling sorry. We never apologise, in an honest kind of way. Forceful apology is the only 'correct thing' we do to keep the harmony intact.

I am good at making fake gestures. And I learn these from family.

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