Selamat Jalan

Yes, the time has finally come. After months of trying to buy more time, I know I had loved him way too much, I surrendered. I had to leave him.

Everybody was surprised to see how calm I've been so far. I no longer break down talking about him. But I must be honest. I cry myself to sleep every night. I strain myself from calling him up, from going to his usual places.

You can say 'I told you so' right in my face, not that it would matter to me anymore. You have no idea, even he has no idea, how I have actually loved this relationship, probably more than I have ever loved him. And because we live nearby, it is such a pain to drive on the roads that we used to drive on together. Fuck, everywhere is a memory.

And he mustn't know this. Despite everything, I still love him.

The Girl Who Can't Be Flattered

FG - I'm calling up Suzy now. She is John's friend, she'll help us with hotel arrangement there okay.

W - You can call anyone you want.

FG - It has become your business now.

W - Just take care of yourself there.

FG - You please don't do anything crazy here. I will call you. I love you.

Uno

For something I call love, I don't know if this is genuine or not. When you have trust issues with this and that, countless of justifications need to clarify, the love should have gone, at least faded.

However in my case, the feeling grows stronger. I've never missed someone this whole much, I've never loved someone this crazy lot. Yes, I had good moments from previous relationship, but those are already slipping away from my mind.

For something I call love, and I know is wrong, I should've made my move and got out. But I stayed, until now. When we are together, you can see just how content I am, so long as I am with him, doing nothing. But when we are apart, even for a day, I am wrecked. I could break down for no reason, all because of missing his presence.

The truth is, despite all my preachings of wanting out, I am just not ready. I cannot imagine having myself so discontent, no one to talk about my days with. I don't call this romantic. It just, you know, I don't have the heart to walk out yet.

With him still being all needy and sweet, I must say, this will take longer than expected.

Berlin is cold, how I wish he could be here.

Too Simple, Too Good To Be True

W - Sometimes, I am just afraid.

FG - What are you afraid of, my love?

W - I don't know. And I don't think you are ready to hear.

FG - So let's just don't kill the moment. I love you.

W - Everytime you call or text me, I will be smiling the whole day.

FG - Remember the first time I saw you in baju kurung? You were all sweet.

W - You told me hundred times already.

FG - I will go until thousand times.

If it was that simple. If it could last forever.

Ponder

"For something you said we loved the most, for something you called your soul, giving up that easy just won't show how important that thing is to you."

-Lidah-

Estranged

W - If things do not speed up, you might have to stay there for more than a month right?

FG - Yes.

W - Could be two months, or more than that, right?

FG - Yes.

W - So how?

FG - I don't know.

W - No plan doesn't sound like a good idea.

FG - What can I do?

W - We are fucked. That's what we are.

Chained

'Just remember. If one day we fight or have anything extreme, please don't go crazy okay.'

'Crazy as in what?'

'Crazy as in saying you want to leave me.'

'Oh.'

'You know I love you so much.'

--

'Sayang, if one day I had to leave everything here and go home, what would you do?'

'I... I don't know. I am not ready to answer your question. What would you do?'

'I would kill myself.'

'And why would you do that?'

'You are my life.'

'Sweet talker!'

Run

Wait until the day you stop chasing.

Khalas. Kefaya.

Recollection

I don't know if this is something I should regret or feel sorry about or not.

All my life, I have never really had any solid relationship with any man. Solid, as in stabile, not patchy and rocky. All my previous relationships, and the current one, they move in lighting speed. Too fast, and too furious. We were either too in love, or too bitter to each other.

There was never any tranquil moment. Actually there was, but it was too short that I couldn't recall if there was any.

My current relationship, I have invested a lot. From dollars to emotions. Yet, the odds of us lasting long look unconvincing.

I am sighing. Anyway, Hopeless is my middle name.

It Ain't Misery, It Ain't Easy.

Perfect timing.

FG#1 has trust issue with me, a big one. To the extent he would check out my phones. All due to a little misunderstanding. So when the issue was brought up, and since I myself had trust issue with him too, that little misunderstanding became big. So big that we were shouting in his car. So big that we yelled at each other. So big that we started digging the old dirts. So big that he could not see me into my eyes.

Yes, we have trust issue, and we both are being very defensive. And the fact that we have survived the last 8 months together really amaze me.

FG#2 has left me a puzzling riddle. All my friends have been urging me to put a stop on this. Simply say, if things are too good to be true, they are indeed too good to be true.

Funny thing is, everybody is encouraging me to start another round of fishing.

Yeah, as I said, perfect timing.

On The Record

It is not a good sign when my mood towards FG#2 is subject to the happiness level of me and FG#1. When it comes to making a choice, I can be a bitch. I wonder how some people can love more than a soul at one time. Because I seriously can't.

Falling so much for FG#1 is not exactly a good idea, but we are so involved, I can't just drop him off my life. What I have for him is, yes, love.

I think what I have for FG#2 is, hope. Possible future hope.

Oh yea, I'm writing this solely because I'm having a cold war with FG#1. Somehow, this affects me greatly. Little did I know, how much I could miss him.

Objek

Ini ialah sebuah bot atau sampan kalau kau mahu tukar terma. Fungsi tetap sama, membelah laut dan sungai ke arah destinasi tertentu.

Ini ialah sebuah kitab atau buku kalau mahu terma yang berbeza. Fungsi tetap sama, membelah setiap halaman ke arah maklumat tertentu.

Ini ialah sebuah kehidupan atau dunia dalam terma yang lain. Fungsi tetap sama, membelah fikrah manusia ke arah tujuan tertentu.

Ini ialah aku, atau kau dalam kata ganti diri yang berbeza. Fungsi tetap sama, cuma objeknya berbeza. Aku dan kau, walaupun serupa dalam pelbagai segi, jiwa kita tetap dua.

Some Things Are Just Too Good To Be True

During a conversation with favourite guy #2;

'I always have a soft spot for guys who linger in bookstores, either reading books or buying some. And the blokes who read in trains.'

'But I never go to bookstores, what's more buying books.'

'Exactly sayang.'

'Any more soft spot that you have?'

'Quirky guys who can speak real stuff when it comes to serious matter.'

'I ain't one I suppose'

'Exactly. Exactly. But you are you. And I love you.'

Whore

As if we had just known each other for one week, I made a confession to favourite guy #2.

"You must know this, since we are going to spend a lot of time together. I curse. A lot that you cannot imagine how splendid I sound when cursing."

"Uh huh. I've long noticed that."

"No. This is real. I really do curse. And another thing, I sometimes have dirty mind and I talk dirty with my gang."

*clearing throat* "Okay. That's a head up, it's good to know. I sometimes talk dirty with my gang too."

"Haha. Your gang consist of all boys. My gang have both sexes. And you are in big trouble, unless you can handle this newfound truth."

"Ah well, now at least the sky is clearer."

After All, I Still Have A Bimbo Living In My Head

Been asking my favourite sister whether I should ditch favourite guy #2 for everyone's sake. The reasons for ditching are;

1) maneuvering two wheels at a time is no easy work. Lots of lying and acting up every now and then as to not hurt the other 'quarter'.

2) #2 knows the existence of #1, but #1 doesn't have any idea there is even a #2. I'm sure #1 will kill #2 if he finds out. Literally speaking.

3) Even though I always said I would end up marrying #2, because of our long history and past chemistry, now I am not so sure. Little did I know he could be this attention deprived. However, marrying #1 is out of question. I can never ever be married to him, even he knows this already.

4) #1 has been slightly suspicious. One morning, he asked who had rung me up at 6.50 in the morning, with 5 missed calls before then. So again, I had to lie. Anyways, I also have my own suspicion on him as well. Yeah I may not speak his language, but I ain't dumb either. That's why I effing love google.

But no, I ain't gonna confront him or do anything. Why do damage over something petty? For now, we are great together, we talk, we share, we love, we kiss. And he's always here. It feels just like having a relationship with myself. On the other hand, who ever get married to himself, eh? If he's having an affair, which I doubt he is in this country, what fuck can I do. I'm trying to be realistic here. The button is with me, it is my call if I want to press it.

5) #2 has been reporting his daily activity, almost every single day. Now, that pisses me off. Frankly, I don't give a damn what my other 'quarters' do, they can do whatever they want, go everywhere they please, meet anyone they wish to, just do not report every single detail. Because I myself don't like to report up my daily activity. I trust them, they trust me. Life should be this simple. If you cannot trust your significant other, why bother being in relationship in the first place? Again, everyone has the button to press.

6) Numbering people is not exactly very nice to do, you know. It makes me look bitchy. Although I can be and am a bitch, I always try my best to conceal that very unflattering fact.

Savour

FG #1 : Rendow lah.

Me : Watch your spelling, love. How many times have I corrected you?

FG #1 : So? I love to piss you off. That's the whole point.

Me : You know what is my favourite curse word?

FG #1 : Fuck!

Me : Exactly. At least you spell it correctly.

FG #1 : Haha. Sayang I will miss you badly when I'm gone.

Me : I hate it when we have deadline.

FG #1 : I know. I know.

Bertembung Kemahuan

Lelaki kegemaran kedua menghantar teks pada awal pagi. It was 5 in the morning. I just had a very very exhausting day.

Kata dia; bekas teman wanita mencarinya semula, mahu menyambung sejarah yang pernah terputus. Sambung dia; "Give me strength."

Di antara separa sedar dan kekurangan rehat, aku mengarah;

"Tell her the truth, your true state, tell her about our relationship."

Dia mengambil beberapa jam untuk membalas respon. Tipikal.

Di akhirnya, aku bertanyakan; sudah berjumpa kekuatan itu?

"On its way, on its way", balasan mudah lelaki ini.

Don't humor me, love. Don't disgust me with your petty crap. I am cracking my head over here to earn a fucking living, so please don't humor me.

Dan budak perempuan, if he ever chose you over me, ambil lah. Be my guest. Aku sedikit pun tak akan berebut. Aku tak akan berebut untuk satu jiwa yang kekuatannya tak sekencang mana.

How To Get Married And Be Happy

Be happy. Then get married.

And be stupid.

You kid not, there is no fairytale. Who are we kidding?

Friday Night

"Baby, you know what date is today?"

"21st, 22nd?"

"No. It's 23rd."

"So?"

*She grumps*

"3 months ago, you chased me from the bank to that convenient store."

"I know. 3 months, really?"

"Uh huh. And you never knew then there was such drink called wintermelon."

"So?"

*She glances away, sits farther*

--

"Now where should we go?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know, 3 months on, I give you countless of headaches. You and me, you pick the place."

*He kisses her lower cheek* "Love you lah."

Separuh Masak

The next time people ask me when would be my time to marry the love of my life, I'd seriously bang my head against the wall.

Seriously, after the previous heartache exactly a year ago, when have I found the love of my life?

Favourite guy, definitely. Love? It's fifty-fifty. Now that I have favourite guyS, Imma let myself enjoy the time for awhile. Even though I have crystal idea whom I should end up with, I suppose for now, just let loose and play with fire. Everybody is going to get hurt in the end, so why bother so much?

One thing about finding partner that really turns me off is the ever-popular question popped to the ladies; 'How good are you in the kitchen?' Well, obviously Malay guys love to settle down with a kitchen maker just to please his mother, which disgusts me a lot. If you want a kitchen maker, you are landing under the wrong tree.

Wait a second. I may not be a kitchen maker, but I can cook. In fact, I am not that bad in this department. Problem is, I just don't find flawless cooking skill has got anything to do with good marriage.

Unfortunately, one of my favourite guys doesn't share the same sentiment. Too bad, now love you have to wait. I have another babe fixing me barbeque lobster the other day. I loved it very much. That's what I call romantic, of course from non-Malay.

Okay, but I still am marrying the former.

Because you know, he is the reason I'm all gooned-up like this.