Guilty Pleasure

The thing about pain is; it has no boundary. It is there to stay.

I feel betrayed. That sums everything up. And I'm not gonna walk on the same path anymore.

So thank you. And fuck you.

Peluru-Peluru Di Langit

Long have I given up talking to my mother about issues that can be deemed sensitive to both of us. For the last 23 years, I have grown to know exactly things that would please her. So sue me for trying hard only to please her.

But here lies a problem. Not exactly things I do are pleasing enough for her. Truths are hurtful, at least to her.

So you know, I just keep quiet and quit talking. No matter how much she tries to make me talking, I just shrug off. Spare her the disappointment of learning my reasons.

It must be very difficult to know your daughter is not perfect. So well, she will start comparing her children with her friends', or her long-gone youth life.

We cannot live according to your specifications, mother. That is the bloodiest truth.

Social Card

Some people have been constantly reading my blog and Facebook. No big deal. It is a big deal when later on, they claimed to have known me, the real me by believing my virtual personality. FG#2 is one of them, no matter how many million of times have I told him not to be possessed by my writing.

Sadly, he even accused me for having 2 personalities, which I agreed completely. My personality in real life and virtual one is different. After all, that's the very reason people blog and use the social network. To unleash their alter ego. Well, at least I know some people who have the same reason.

You blog, and paste your amazing pictures everywhere for the purpose of bragging. That your life is amazing, when the very fact it is pathetic. But hello, so long as people think you are doing great, you are happy. Or sometimes, it is the other way round. Your life is completely amazing, but you blog and write sappy pathetic stories of your life, so you can fish for sympathy.

If you have the tendency to be honest with everything and everyone on the net, I feel sorry for you. Sooner or later, someone will take you for granted. And then you go emotional, deactivate your account, change your url and whatnot. Because you take this tiny little virtual life too seriously.

On Facebook, I portray myself as a bubbly, joke loving, always laughing and fooling around kind of person. But ask everyone who have met me personally. I only possess these criteria when I am with people I know closely, otherwise I am a cold-hearted, bold, and no-nonsense person. Fuck those who think I am a forger, get a better life you maggot.

Mark Zuckerberg accepted your friendship request. After 6 months of befriending him virtually, do you really think he knows anything about you? Or do you think you know everything about him, besides the fact that he is filthy rich? Who are we kidding here, boy?

Loose a little bit, and take up reading instead. You don't know how to play the online social card.

Tickle

It is funny when everyone assumes I must be rich for I own a business at a young age. They think I make good money, and when we hang, in a way, I owe them a dinner treat or something like that.

Seriously speaking, these very people know how to tickle my back bone. Owning a business, ladies and gentlemen, is just one of the many ways to make a living. I personally know many people who are working on a 9-5 daily routine, earning around 10k per month. So, if you think I earn something near that figure, you should consider seeing a doctor.

--

Owning a business is just one of the many ways to make a living, to make ends meet.

Stupid As Stupid Does

Here is something people tend to forget. When you point your index finger at others, the other 3 fingers are pointing at you.

The concept is simple. What they do, the business is between them and their God. Unless they directly do damage to you. So other than that, you shut your fucking mouth. I know most of us love being nosy, so for fuck sake, be one. Be whatever nosy you want.

Just don't ever say you are better and holier than the one you are bitching about, by not passing any judgmental thought. Trust me, you can still be bitchy, and not losing your class.

What irks me the most is, you trash people, you act God, you punish, you pass remarks, and all the same while, you think you are better than them. Unfortunately, everybody in this universe do not think so.

Whatever wrong people do, you give reasons to spread the guilt. But whatever wrong you do, you give reasons to justify the purpose. And yet, you think you are the best khalif.

I must say, you are pretty ambitious.

Kenyataan

Honey, love alone doesn't make you a building.

Money too, doesn't grow on trees.

If you want a life based on love, and love alone, nothing but love, I gotta say; have fun making love. And babies.

So yeah, fool yourself. Damn the society.

Ninth Crime

No, I did not say you shouldn't get married, nor have I lost faith in marriage. What I was trying to point out is simply, do not marry for the sake of marrying, or because of the age pressure, or because of family.

For marriage is not a celebration of love. It is a celebration of life, and love happens to be part of it. So does shit, so does crises.

Call me a pessimist or whatever. Hell, I know I am actually a realist. Someday, somehow good things are gonna come to an end. Things eventually will get sour. If you are a hardcore and can survive turbulent times, please consider marriage as your thing. Problem is, everybody thinks he is a hardcore, a survivor. This is really a personality test you have to take, yourself.

Do you think I want to settle down with my current boyfriend? Naa uhh. To me, we are great as a couple. But as a family, I don't think so. I might end up eating my heart out.

So you'd ask, why am I wasting my time and life with someone I don't intend to share my life with? Now let me raise another question. Why do we always think 'sharing our life with someone' must carry the word marriage? Unless yeah, you are duped into believing those fairy tale wedding stories.

Well okay, I am fine with me wasting my time. If knowing what I want is a crime, I am so glad to be committing this crime. Eventually, there will come a time when I want to settle down. It's just a perfect human cycle. But hello, only when I have found the right person who can take me at my worst. Until that time comes, I am still fishing.

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get" - Forrest Gump.

Jane Of All Trade

It feels good to finally coming clean.

You know, every living human has his own dirty laundry. Some keep the dirt to grave, some deal with that by confiding in someone, some just don't give a crap about it.

I am not that lucky, but I sure do have amazing friends, different set of friends, whom I can talk to, when I really have to take something off my chest.

I am good at talking and making reasoning, to me, everything has its own reason. So, sue me for enjoying a life. If I were given a chance to turn back the clock, hell yeah I would take up the chance, and do things differently. But it doesn't mean I regret my life choices so far. It just that, well, I am wondering what if I had done this and that differently. It is pretty much a "what if" dilemma.

The past one year, I've been ditching friends and reconnecting with some. I'm kinda twisted in a way of saying. So yeah, that pretty much sums up my whole situation.

Perhaps I am still one confused young lady. Or perhaps, I enjoy life too much, so much that other than career, I play with fire all the time.

And a good wise friend told me two days go; "Don't you, just don't get married until you turn 30."

I can't say I agree with her idea, but you know, I can see the logic behind this. As beautiful as most people picture it, marriage is not that pretty. Besides the money issue, come on, it is more than money issue. And fuck those who only get married to legalise sex. It is not just about fucking. And after all, most people do not hold onto celibacy anymore. Unless yeah, you are too naive to realise this.

Now, force your grandparents to stop asking unmarried people to settle down. Because they are wiser than those who marry early, and regret the decision 5 years later, with 5 kids in tow, and divorce papers to be signed. The fact that they have 5 kids in 5 years is a proof to how fucking irresponsible they are. So much of practising legalised sex, my ass.

Well, at least I have 2 friends regretting their decision to marry young. In my textbook, that figure doesn't look good, when I have only around 6 friends who got married before they reached 23. It is 33% failure rate I am seeing.

When you have commitment issue, don't ever find a life partner. Society will press you, I assure you that. But fuck them. I know this one guy, on his way of parting ways with his wife, he only promised her 200 ringgit monthly for child support. Screw him. Committed, my ass.

Ladies, no matter how in love you are with your husband, no matter how comfortable and connected you feel towards him, be very prepared. One day, that day will come. When either one of you, suddenly woke up at the wrong side of bed, and feeling rather confused and discontent. That is when life crisis hits you. So for you ladies, if your man suddenly changes, you are always at the loosing end.

I mean, hello. Even though now is two thousand and ten already, women are still at the loose end. Deal with it. It is not a barbaric issue. Society always give men the upper hand. Women have to realise this. The first step towards protecting yourself is, you start taking care of your own body. Seriously speaking.

Who ever says "don't judge a book by its cover" are only attention-seeking hypocrite. Take care of your beauty, and body. Do exercise, eat well, whatever. Just make sure you are still at your prime, even though you are no longer in the game of manhunt. Because you never know what the future might surprise you.

I'm writing this, because admit it, we always feel insecure. 70% of my time is spent thinking what if what I'd planned didn't turn out to be what I had expected.

Believe it or not, the only thing that ruins all good things is expectation.

I Have Gazillion Thoughts To Jot Down, So Here Is One Of Them.

Karma is a bitch.

The Watchmen

If you are a Facebook junkie like me, you must have noticed the recent trend of people uploading loads of videos, be it music videos or wedding reception videos. Not to forget the 'hereafter is coming, so let's repent' kind of videos.

Actually, I have nothing against this latest trend, people like to share, so whatever. Post anything, I don't mind, so long as they don't post annoying childish statuses.

But herein lies the problem. The video watchers have this strange habit, that after watching, they feel obliged to comment on that certain video. Some video posters are a culprit too. Which you know, irks me. These are the same people who love posting stupid statuses, and when they comment on videos, well what kind of comment should be expected? Exactly, stupid comments with spelling and grammar errors here and there.

I, myself love watching the videos also. But I rarely ever comment on those, except for a few that to me, are worth commenting on. I find it strange to comment every single video.

Is it hard to just watch it and shut the fuck up? Even though you like the content so much, or despise it, keep your opinion to yourself, unless you feel it is necessary to voice out your thought. Most of the times, I find the opinions are unnecessarily published. Seriously speaking. And then they go about preaching on the Facebook status the damage of trashing others behind their backs, something like that.

I mean, helloooo these people seriously know how to tickle me to death. I literally laugh. What a contradiction in persona.

That makes me question, did these people really go to school? Or did they have rough childhood? Or perhaps another case of holier-than-thou?

In case you are wondering, as bitter as I may look, I had a wonderful childhood. No kidding.

Drunken Racist

Yet another video posted on Facebook. This time around, the subject is about racism, where some Muslim men were discriminated in the US. As usual, I watched the video and had a good laugh at the end. Humans are getting seriously funnier these days, and not to mention more creative.


Oh and we are becoming more sensitive too. Nobody can touch or make fun of our race or religion. Itu satu kepantangan. We will go berserk, we will run amok. But it is okay if we make fun of other races, other religions. We term this exception as jihad, defending our right.


We muslims, I mean, most Muslims are fucking hypocrites. From Arabs to Malays. Arabs are the most racist people I know, Malays follow closely behind them. They pass racial slur as nonchalantly as eating kebab and currypuff. I know this because I mingle with them a lot, but I don't agree with most of their life principles.


To me, if you enjoy making or listening to racial jokes, you should be able to be laughed at when other people make fun of you. The problem is, we are so biased. We think we are the better race, we think we have the better religion.


Guess what, everybody thinks the same way as we do. So who are we kidding here? If everyone claims to have the best blood, the best faith in the universe, who wants to be second best?


I have to admit something here. I don't enjoy racial joke. I am not racist, but I am racialist. There's a huge difference between these two terms, you know. Everytime someone makes racial joke before me, I'd be the first to object. This is because I find this kind of jokes as tasteless. In return, I also don't want other races to belittle my fellow Malays.


I wonder how some people can preach about world unity whilst at the same time they dump shit by being drunken racist. These people are sadly my fellow Muslims. Adolf Hitler the devil would be smiling seeing us squabbling over racial remarks, if he were still alive.


The never ending wars in Middle East will never stop so long as racial cards are played on the table, so long as among Muslims, we still fight over the different school of thoughts, different doctrines.


The current situation is as simple as this. We are all chickens, we shit everywhere. Yet chickens think they taste better than ducks.

However there is an exception. Racial jokes are tasteful and acceptable and funny if you crack them in front of the intended parties. For example, a Malay makes racial joke about Chinese right before the eyes of a Chinese. If the Chinese laughs, then the joke is considered funny. But if he doesn't, the Malay might be in grave trouble.

So be very careful with words. In the eyes of God, we are all the same. If we cannot unite as mankind, do not severe our ties among each other with silly race-degrading jokes.

Infidels

Is it fun to play the role of God? Do you seriously think you are better than the person you are mocking?

I don't know in what name you swear, "in the name of this-and-that religion I shall tell you this" sort of thing, what makes you think it is your duty to enlighten others by exposing some other's sinful actions? Yeah, you call these actions as sinful, so are you telling me you are much holier than the person in subject? Because if you think you are, fuck you.

You can play with 'Masya Allah' here, 'Masya Allah' there, haram here haram there, but who are you to judge, to prosecute people, to shame them before others?

To be perfectly honest, I do have problem with so-called pious people like you. Your choice of dakwah is undeniably funny.

85% Of You Are Wrong

Having adequate stash or money or I must say in Malay, mempunyai kekayaan secukupnya, is a key to happiness.

The past week on Facebook has been a cat-dog fight regarding a video posted there, showing a boyfriend calling a radio station to tell the world how unfair it was when her fiancee broke off their engagement because he wasn't rich enough for her (to put this bluntly). So what this radio station did after getting the full story from the guy was, the deejay called up the girl and bombarded her with lots of trashy questions and remarks, saying she was selfish, materialistic, bimbo and she was after money only.

As expected, she had to defend herself. So the blaming game started. Needless to say, from the comments I read at the comment section, 85% of people sided the guy.

I, for one, sided the girl. Funny, you know, how Malaysians spent their days snooping other people's lives, throwing judgements as if they were what, God? Malays, especially.

The way I see it, if the girl wanted to break off their engagement, for fuck sake, let her. Why on earth the rest of people should give a goddamn care? Other than the guy, none of the lots actually has any relation with either of them. So bug off! Mind your own business.

Okay, so the girl is materialistic. So what? Is she the only one? Aren't you too? The boyfriend clearly had no balls, calling up the radio station, selling his private stories to the whole nation. What retard does that? The girl was CORRECT to dump her, anyway. Imagine living with a man who would just go to some random people for advice. The man clearly does not know when to shut up.

He even told everyone that the girl left him for some rich guy. This one is laughable, to be honest. He lost to a rich guy! How sad it is, ego badly battered. Such a poor baby. Come on, after what, 20+ years of living, only now he realized, that money does talk? Or was he under the illusion, you know, people keep saying, money cannot buy happiness yada yada crap?

Clearly here, he was a moron. Oh, this bite is funny also. He had the guts to say he was the better guy, he had better hati budi! The fact is, he didn't even know or meet the rich guy. So the way the comparison is made, it only exposes his immaturity.

Now, I'll just rest my case. To the girl, bravo! I don't care if you are materialistic as they parade you are. Because I don't even know you personally. But you did the right thing dumping the boy. Marrying a crybaby is the worst mistake you could ever make.

And to clearly make my first sentence stands, I strongly believe despite money is the root of all evil, money is also the key to survival. Being happy is one of the survival idea, no? So, why do you care about the bad evil thing money can cause when you can instead enjoy the benefit it can give?

Only penniless will blame the penniful.

Oh, and 85% of the commentors are blind. They refuse to look at both sides. So bravo Malays! Yet, you know when to complain about the rising cost of living. Hey, duit kan tak boleh jamin kebahagiaan. Apa lah sangat pasal kenaikan harga barang-barang? Janji dapat bercinta-cintun, kemudian beranak banyak-banyak.

Pengaruh Penjajah Lahanat

Masyarakat kita sedikit bias bila lebat berhujah tentang penjajah. Berbahasa Inggeris ketika berbual dilabelnya mengagungkan bahasa penjajah. Berkawan dengan Mat Salleh British dilabelnya cium punggung penjajah.


Kita jadi super racist bila masuk bab kebaratan. Apa-apa yang Barat adalah penjajah, terutamanya dari Great Britain. Okay, Lady Gaga dan BPL tak termasuk dalam isu ni. Macam I cakap, masyarakat kita bias, amalkan double standard. Apa yang kau tak mampu, itu kau kata hedonistik. Apa yang kau buat, itu kau kata menyahut kemodenan dan kebebasan bersuara.


Agak-agak kalau I buat keputusan untuk masuk kelas Bahasa Belanda dan Portugis, isu penjajah akan timbul tak? Ataupun I bertutur lebat dalam kedua-dua bahasa tersebut, akan dilabel mengagungkan penjajah tak?


Definitely tidak. Kenapa?


Sebab masyarakat kita mana boleh beza biji butir bahasa selain daripada bahasa ibunda dan Inggeris. Macam I cakap, kita ni pengamal double standard yang paling jitu.


Kawan I minat sungguh dengan drama Jepun, to the extent cara pemakaian dia dah macam orang Jepun. Bahasa Jepun pun sikit-sikit dia boleh bertutur. Tapi langsung tak dilabel mengagungkan penjajah. Malah dipuji, maklumlah, dasar pandang ke timur lah katakan. Padahal, kalau mahu ikutkan sejarah, regim Jepun waktu zaman penjajahan merupakan yang paling ganas kalau dibandingkan dengan penjajah-penjajah lain. Selamba pancung kepala, bakar bas.


British yang bagi kita kemerdekaan dengan cara damai (okay, credit kepada Tunku Abdul Rahman dan mereka yang terlibat), dan sudah tentu mengikut clauses dan conditions yang mereka mahu. Tapi lama kelamaan kita bebas terus dari payung British. Cuma biasalah, bila kita sudah lama bermandi peluh dengan British, sedikit sebanyak budaya dan gaya mereka kita ambil. Macam Indonesia dengan Belanda lah kan. Macam Filipina dengan Sepanyol lah kan.


Macam I cakap, when it comes to English and British, semuanya mengagungkan penjajah. Eceh.

Khayalan

Deep down inside, I selalu saja nak post begini di Facebook;

Wunderbar Tak payah tag gambar aku boleh tak? Walaupun memang ada muka aku. Kalau aku nak, aku tag sendiri. Dan kalau nak buat promotion produk kau, sila buat page sendiri. Tak payah tag. Terima kasih.

Cuma tak sampai hati lagi. Jadi, I gagahkan juga jari me-remove tag-tag gambar yang tak diminati. Oh teknologi.

Luas Pemandangan

Satu jenis percutian yang I tak gemar langsung adalah percutian gaya senang lenang. Yakni aktiviti lasak berada di tahap paling minimum, makan seperti berhari-raya, tidur seperti raja.

Kalau percutian bulan madu, tak apa. Kalau setakat bercuti 3, 4 hari di pulau sekian-sekian, kemudian ambil pakej seperti bergoyang kaki di rumah, baik kau duduk di rumah saja. Sebab itu I susah untuk dapat travel companion. Kalau dapat I sebagai trip mate, memang kerahan tenaga akan berlaku.

Percutian yang menarik bagi I adalah percutian lasak, di mana kau rasai semua benda, jalani cara hidup masyarakat di sana, makan cukup-cukup saja dan tidur sebagai buat syarat cuma. Mahu bersenang-lenang, tempah saja hotel di Kuala Lumpur, tidur dan spa 2 hari. Buat apa bercuti mahal-mahal di negara luar kalau setakat mahu menyimpan tenaga. Kan?

Otherwise, pergi berbulan madu. Itu memang wajib bersenang lenang di dalam bilik hotel.

Hitam Buntut Kuali

One of the many things I don't understand about Malay culture in finding partners is this. Our obsession with fair-skinned Malays. I mean, your obsession, most malay men's obsession.

Kalau perempuan, walaupun kau cantik, berhidung mancung, bermata bulat galak, berbibir penuh dan merah warnanya, kau tetap tak menarik sekiranya kulit kau tidak cerah. Ini konsep biasa masyarakat Melayu.

Bila I ingat balik waktu zaman sekolah dulu, tentang macam mana budak-budak lelaki went crazy over some girls solely for their fair skin, kemudian bila I tengok semula para perempuan ini setelah mereka melepasi puberti, honest to God, those girls yang bukan hot stuff ketika di sekolah adalah way way hotter sekarang. Jadi tidak hairanlah perempuan dari Kelantan akan mendapat perhatian luar biasa daripada kaum bukan sejenis.

Bekas kawan baik lelaki I adalah penyokong tegar konsep kulit cerah ini. Dia pernah bersuara tentang ciri utama gadis pilihan dia ialah kulit gadis tersebut mesti cerah. Lebih cerah daripada lelaki ini yang sememangnya cerah.

Maka, tidak hairanlah iklan-iklan produk kecantikan di televisyen banyak memaparkan konsep kecerahan kulit. Seakan membawa mesej; kalau tak putih, kau tak cantik langsung. Dan bekas lelaki-lelaki kegemaran I juga merupakan 'skin colour conscious'. Padahal I ni bukan lah cerah pun. Eh tidak, I bukan mahu menjadi anggur yang masam di sini. I cuma mengkritik konsep aneh kita.

Kalau sepuluh tahun lepas konsep ini digunapakai, I boleh terima. Tetapi bila konsep yang sama masih diagungkan, I jadi bingung. Tatkala dunia tergila-gilakan konsep warna 'tan', kita masih gilakan warna putih.

I pernah baca dulu, sumbernya I sudah lupa, tapi lebih kurang begini lah ceritanya. Di Barat bertahun-bertahun dulu, mereka yang berkulit putih pucat selalu digambarkan sebagai mereka yang miskin, manakala yang berkulit 'tan' digambarkan sebagai kaya. Maklumlah, di negara mereka, cuaca terlalu sejuk. Orang miskin tak mungkin mampu untuk melancong ke negara yang beriklim panas. Jadi, orang-orang kaya sajalah yang mampu menabur duit bercuti di pantai Bahamas yang secara langsungnya mendedahkan mereka kepada cahaya matahari yang menyumbang ke arah penukaran tona warna kulit.

Sampai sekarang, tanned skin dilabelkan sebagai cantik bagi mereka. Dan tidak bagi kita. Ayat pertama kalau mahu mencemuh orang pun kita akan kata begini;

"Dah lah kulit HITAM, buruk, ada hati nak rampas boyfriend aku." - ayat tipikal yang biasa didengari.

Cuma, pendapat I tentang kecerahan kulit adalah berbeza. I tak pernah merasakan putih itu cantik. Never. I lebih turned on pada perempuan yang berkulit warna rata, baik cerah atau gelap, kalau sedang-sedang lagi bagus. Definisi cantik bagi I ialah - kulit warna sedang, hidung mancung, mata bulat galak, bulu mata original lentik, tanpa make-up yang berlebihan, bibir merah, leher jinjang, ada pinggul yang bentuknya jelas (hourglass-shaped).

Okay, list I juga melampau. But no, I still cannot understand the obsession with fair skin. Asal putih, bajet cantik.

Nasib baik juga lelaki kegemaran I bukan begitu. Malah, kulit dia lebih cerah daripada I, which is no big issue to him. In fact, no issue at all. In fact, we never discuss skin tone simply because the issue is irrelevant. Jadi bila I dengar kritikan warna kulit dilontarkan pada sekian-sekian orang, I jadi marah. Padahal si pelontar kritikan itu bukan lah cantik pun. Cuma kulitnya sedikit cerah. Hidung mungkin pesek, mata mungkin kecil, kening bercantum, gigi rongak, bau badan busuk. Kemudian ada hati mahu hakimi orang lain.

Dulu I pernah cakap. Melayu sama Melayu mesti saja mahu berperangai bangsat.

We were not born flawless. Senang cakap.

Time Constraint

My favourite man has been asking me to find him a suitable college to further his study.

Frowning, I replied;


'Why the fuck do you still want to study? Even now you can't spend much time with me, imagine when you start studying, with your extra stressed-out look later, do you think I still want to see your tired face?'



And he laughed. But kept insisting me to find him a good college and a good course to study.


Instead, I reached for some chewing-gums on the car dashboard. I chewed one of those. And I cursed in a language only I knew, but he didn't.

Selamat Tengah Hari Bekas Tanganku. Ini Ada Sedikit Luahan.

The fuck would you show the room you make love to public viewing? All the same time, you preach about being a true Malay and Muslim, true to local culture.


And when some random onlookers condemned you hard in the guts, you went ballistic. The fact that they know me as one of your long histories disgraces me. They started asking "Was he like that when you guys were together?"


No, we weren't like that. I would've puked blood if we were ever like that.


I'm thinking, the reason you parade your happy marriage to everyone is just your way to communicate to me. Saying how happy you are. And the only thing you can see from my life is how gloomy it is.


You know, I won't parade my life to public. Because baby, I too, am living in Cloud 9. The difference is, I never tell you this.


Selamat berpuasa.

Dude

'Before I start saying anything, I want to say I love you so much.'

And I went Awwwwwww.

I like distraction. This kind of distraction makes me go yummy. Talking of distraction, my sister has been pestering me with serious conversation.

LS - Imagine if you mary him, ................... (forgot the exact topic)

BS - *chuckling* I don't think I want to marry him, let alone marrying him soon.

LS - Then why are you wasting your time with him? If you're at my age, I geddit. But you're now what, older than me obviously.

BS - I still want to marry a Malay guy, one who can accept my intelligence and he is intelligent as well. Sadly to say, so far all Malay guys I've gone out with want their girls to look dumber. With my current dude, he makes me look intelligent.

LS - *yawning*

See. I told you. I have funny taste in dating people.